


The Reign of the Hedgehog

by Neverwashere



Category: Drake & Josh, Metal Gear, Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types, Team Fortress 2, Watch Dogs (Video Games), sean connery - Fandom
Genre: Other, They Made Me Write This
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24167290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neverwashere/pseuds/Neverwashere
Summary: Knuckles and Eggman team up to defeat their mightiest foe yet: Sonic himself.
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

“So, you’ve finally seen what I’ve been trying to show you all this time, eh k-nuckles?”

The words stung, but they were true. K-nuckles stood before Eggman, sitting within his hover chair, knowing full well that he was not in the presence of a madman, but a genius trying to save his world. 

“I always did wonder why you were the only once of your kind Egg but-, I mean, Eggman. None of us thought he was capable of this. Sonic used his charm and wit to blind us all into fighting an already won war of his against humanity. I’m sorry I never saw it before.”

Eggman slowly, solemnly, stroked his glorious moustache whilst his eyes drifted down to the red Echidna before him. There was once a time where he would stroke other gentlemen’s moustaches, but thanks to that hedgehog, those times were now forever lost. Slowly, his gaze regained some of its lost steel, and he leaned forward:  
“It is no fault of your own, my brain-dead red friend. Sonic is a schemer, a shadow behind every plot. It was him who saw humanity as a threat to his rule, and so he snuffed them out one by one. Only I have managed to evade his wrath for so long due to my brilliant intellect, and eggy prowess. Now…”

Eggmans’ glorious hover-egg drifted down and landed with a soft *clink* on the ground. Emerald Hill was no longer recognizable, Sonic Propaganda covering every square piece of this once beautiful paradise. ‘Kick those gays in the nuts’ one read, an image of Sonic kicking a baby Eggman with a dick in it’s mouth. Another was simply Sonic standing above an Eggman silhouette, taking a large meaty shit spelling out the word ‘You’re too slow’. K-nuckles felt sick to his stomach for once having idolized such an evil.

Eggman stepped out of his machination, and walked to K-nuckles, not with fear or trepidation that he had once walked with, but a newfound respect.

“K-nuckles, I have a last-ditch plan. All I was missing was one vital piece: You. For years I have been waiting, hoping, that one of you brave souls would see through the veil of deceit that hedgehog had thrown over you…”

Eggman stopped short of K-nuckles, the weight of what he was about to say weighing heavy on the man. Turning around, Eggman looked over the once beautiful landscape and found the strength to carry on speaking to his once hated enemy.  
“I have constructed a device, K-nuckles. A device which will allow a single person to travel to an alternate world. This world will be much like our own, yet so very different. After years of fighting, my body would simply give out and I would crack my Eggy Goodness all over the space-time-continuum. But you K-nuckles, you are strong enough to withstand such pressure. You alone are able to bring this final assault against the blue menace that has been years in the making.”

K-nuckles looked down at his meaty fists, clenched in sheer anger at the very thought of once fighting against this proud Egg. Slowly, through tears and gritted teeth, he asked: “What must I do?”  
Eggman turned slowly back to his newfound Red retard. From his bushy moustache, he uttered the words:  
“We must find John McGinness.”

End of Act 1


	2. The plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles and Eggman launch their desperate plan in order to counteract the blue menace.

The device was huge, pipes descending far below into the depths of the earth. Steam billowed from numerous pipes, Badniks carrying heaps of trademarked Sonic Rings and fro, dumping them into large incinerators. K-nuckles once viewed these robotic creations as simple enemies, needing to be destroyed for the Glory of the Blue Hedgehog. But here he saw them as having a life of their own, when one stumbled, another would come and lend an arm to lean on. Even Eggman himself would scoop them back onto their feet and give a gentle pat on the bum. K-nuckles massive muscles quivered in anger. He once fought against such a man? A good, mightily moustached man?  
“You will need to stand here.” Eggman stated, pointing to a bullseye on the ground. A large spike hung above, with many of the rings that Sonic had began to hoard years before.  
“It’s taken me over 40 years to gather this much ring energy. 40 years for one chance to make things right again…”  
Eggman went silent, once again stroking his moustache. K-nuckles wondered for a brief moment if he too could grow one so fine, but quickly decided against it. Years of kissing Sonic’s ass have long since eroded all hair follicles.  
“No point in delaying any longer.” Eggman finally said, gesturing towards the bullseye for K-nuckles, for he was so retarded, he had already forgotten about it.  
Eggman strode over to a large console, in a language that K-nuckles could never hope to understand being displayed (It was Comic Sans) and began to punch in numerous keystrokes, slapping the side of the monitor in annoyance on one occasion. K-nuckles briefly forgot how to breath, before remembering the bullseye, and proceeded to waddle his mighty meaty self towards it.  
Eggman glanced up from the console at his Meaty Saviour. “When you arrive in this new world, things may be not at all similar to what you are used to. There could even be sights that you consider to be unnatural, or wrong. Pay them no heed. You need to find John McGinness. Only he will be able to stop the Blue Menace from irrecoverably destroying our world.  
K-nuckles was briefly thinking of the sheer horror he would feel upon the mere possibility of seeing a man like Eggman, but black of skin and not working on a field, before recomposing himself. With a deep meaty breath, K-nuckles bellowed “I am ready!”  
Eggman sighed under his breath ‘No need to shout…’ before punching in a number of keypresses. The great engines of the machine bellowed and groaned under the new pressure. K-nuckles had only began to start to floss like he saw in a dank video when the large spike above his head began to glow a familiar yellow. The rings surrounding the spike began to glow and face, the large spike glowing ever brighter.  
For a moment, K-nuckles felt fear at the possibility at this experiment going wrong. As he tried to leave the bullseye and ask Eggman if they could do a rain check, a large flash of light came from the overhead spike, a beam hitting K-nuckles square in the chest. A searing pain overcame the retard, body screaming in protest at being ripped from its realm. K-nuckles thought of fighting back, using his retard strength to pop the very foundations of reality, but decided against it. K-nuckles must conserve his mighty strength.  
After what felt like an eternity, Eggman watched his Meaty Messiah glow a brilliant light, then pop out of existence. The only remnant of the mighty Echidna was an echoing “Ree” that bounced throughout the entirety of the foundations of the mighty machines. The Badniks each stopped and turned to Eggman, bleeping eyes full of worry, but also something else: Hope. Eggman sat back in his chair, head in his hands and simply whispered: “God help us all.”

Colours. That was all K-nuckles could see. Colours and a strange fuzzy feeling he was not familiar with. He was lying down, face cold against the hard concrete, his vision slowly coming to. As his spinning head settled, K-nuckles found himself in a bare brick basement. Various rows of shelves held many a blinking light device, like that of Eggmans’ home base. As his eyes continued to drift around the room, the sickness slowly leaving his body, before settling on a pair of boots. Unable to life his head, a human head, hidden behind a balaclava came down to meet him. Steel blue eyes stared at K-nuckles for a brief moment before a raspy voice asked:

“The name’s Aiden Pearce, you must be the messiah.”

End of Act 2


	3. The Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles finds himself face to face with the Mr Aiden Pearce, hacker-man of the century. Little does he know, that even Mr Aiden Pearce is simply a cog in a much larger machine...

K-nuckles sat on the cold hard steel of the foldable chair. A lightbulb hung overhead, casting a sickly yellow glow to the surrounding walls. Aiden sat across, sitting reversed on a chair, leaning against the back support. Aidens' steel blue eyes looked K-nuckles up and down, and without realizing it, K-nuckles began to shiver. Was it cold? No. His body was simply reacting to the sheer sexual prowess that was Mr Aiden Pearce. 

"The Messiah, huh?" asked Aiden in a bored tone. "When I got that message, I was expecting something a little more..." Aiden looked up at his newfound ally, whom he saw was gleefully picking his nose, and upon inspection, clapped excitedly. "A little more.... Professional." he carried on. 

K-nuckles, sensing the dissapointment of Mr Aiden Pearce, sat up to his full height and flexed his manly Echidna muscles. "No need to be rude." K-nuckles said sadly, fidgeting in his seat. "You try being thrwon across dimensions, it isn't the best feeling in the world, y'know?"

Mr Aiden Pearce sat stroking his non existant beard, thinking silently to himself. It was some time before he sighed, reached into his jacket pocket, and pulled out a stack of papers.

"This is everything we have on McGinness." Mr Aiden Pearce said. "Although in recent years, he has gone by a new name: Kira." Pearce handed the papers to K-nuckles, which he promptly looked at before eating them.

Mr Aiden Pearce sighed heavily, before getting up from his chair and going over to a computer work station in the corner. As K-nuckles continued to enjoy his vast amounts of paperwork, Mr Aiden Pearce punched in a series of keystrokes, bringing up an image on the McGinnes on screen.

"It was slow, very slow." Mr Aiden Pearce began. "From out of nowhere, this.... 'Thing' came to be. A small question here.... A 'How does that make you feel?' there. Before we knew it, all of us had at least encountered him once. And once was all it took. The McGinness gets into your mind, your very psyche. It was only after it was too late that people began to realize: This guy knows Freud. And one by one we fell under his spell.... Calling him by his new title, Kira. Buying him games on Steam.... Even sending him 'Kuwai' messages on forums. McGinness had enevloped himself so deep into our lives, that when he simply walked into 10 Downing Street, the doors were left unlocked for him. He was already leader before he himself knew it."

K-nuckles sadly pawed at his now empy hands for more delicous notes, but looked up upon the end of Pearce's tale. "So why does Egg-Boy want me to bring him back? What purpose can bringing such a creature back to my world hold?"

Mr Aiden Pearce turned out, jacket fluttering in an odd manner thanks to being tied to frame-rate. "I'm not sure, perhaps to combat a great evil with an even greater evil? This Doctor Eggman of yours seemed desperate on his last contact."

K-nuckles looked back on his past, remembering the years they spent fighting this Eggman, this simple man trying to protect his home. With each passing battle, he had grown a little older, a little more slow. It wasn't long after he went into hiding that Sonic showed his true colours, and took over the planet. 

Mr Aiden Pearce walked over to his newfound meaty ally. "Enough talk. You've seen your target, now it's time to introduce you to my boss."

"Boss?" asked K-nuckles questiongly. He had assumed this Mr Aiden Pearce was the leader of the resistance. 

Mr Aiden Pearce nodded, turning to a door which had simply not been there moments before, or perhaps K-nuckles was too distracted with his lunch to notice. Mr Aiden Pearce let out a loud whistle, and the door came open with a loud click, lock groaning in protest at having not been used in so long.

Out of this door strode a young man of Asian descent. A pair of glasses were firmly planted on his face, sniffling and drooling sounds escaped his lips. Upon reaching Mr Aiden Pearce, the newcomer gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "That's all for now Pearce, go get some rest." 

As Mr Aiden Pearce left the room, the newcomer walked over to K-nuckles and extended an arm, sniffling as he did so.

"The name's Jonathan Jam, pleasure to meet you."


	4. Meet the team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles is introduced to the various members of the Resistance.

Jonathan Jam led K-nuckles through a large steel door, protected by a security pad. After quickly typing out the code required, Jonathan Jam booted the mighty steel doors down off it's hinges, the large chunks of solid steel skittering along the ground like Crazy Bones (TM). Jonathan Jam let out a slight smile at this, obviously pleased with the rate at which his powers were growing. 

"Over there is the Heavy, from Team Fortress 2." Jonathan Jam said, pointing over to his left. K-nuckles peered into the room, and immediately picked out the one known as 'Heavy'. He was a large man, larger than life. A bald head shone brilliantly against the dank confines of his room. The Heavy stood atop a small elevated platform, nomming Sandvich after Sandvich, not even stopping to breathe. The small group of 20 or so NPC character resistance members tried to keep up, but many simply choked and fell to the ground, screaming. Of the 20 to attempt to learn the Heavies method of Sandvich eating, only 3 succeeded. Heavy shouted in glee as he patted them each on the back, offering each another Sandvich, before leading them through a door at the back of the room, labeled 'Stage 2.'

"That man came to us offering his services after the first battle against Kira. I have to say, I don't know if we'd be talking right now if he haden't shown up when he did." Jonathan Jam stated plainly, proceeding onward. K-nuckles felt his gut twist in aprehension. Was this the kind of people he was working with? Monsters that could eat the Sandvich with such fervour?

"Over there you'll find Drake and Josh." Jonathan Jam said, arm pointing in the direction of another room. Here things were laid out differently, a middle aged man wearing a pink hat and a orange Nickelodeon T-shirt was standing there, motionless. Drool slowly escaped from his lips and fell to the floor, accumulating into a nasty pile of saliva. The man to his left was of similar age, but looked much more healthy. This man lacked a Nickelodeon T-shirt and was actively engaging with the other Resistance NPCs present, offering pointers on how not to get sucked into a contract with a totalitarian Television Channel, whilst consistently pointing to his drooling companion.

K-nuckles looked over to his right and saw even more rooms. One was titled 'Big Boss', where he recognized Solid Snake from his favourite videogame series, Metal Gear Solid, showing the numerous NPCs present how to break a guards neck. Unfortanetly, Solid Snake decided the best way to teach this was on each of the members present, resulting in each and every one of them being killed. A voice over the intercom was repeatedly shouting at Solid Snake "Fission Mailed", resulting in the mighty Snake falling to his knees and screaming out, before the whole process started again.

"Sir, Mister Jonathan Jam, Sir!" a voice called out behind K-nuckles. Both Jonathan Jam and K-nuckles turned to see a tall lanky man running forward Naruto style, laptop held behind him. Breathless, he eventually reached the pair and took a solid few moments to catch his breath before continuing : "Sir, I've been editing our new Youtube recruitment video, and you won't believe it: We have a new subscriber! I was so excited that I-" 

Jonathan Jam raised a hand to cut his comrade-in-arms off. With patience wearing thin clear in his voice, he said "Harry, I told you not to bother me with this nonsense until we got our Youtube Silver Reward Play Button." Hearing these words stung the man known as Harry, as he flinched into himself upon hearing these words. Obviously noticing this, Jonathan Jam's demeanour softened a little and he softly stroked his companions cheek. "Keep at it Harry, and don't forget to take your medication." he drooled softly as his fingers left his companions face. The man known as Harry began to ree gleefully, before stopping himself and downing an entire tub of unnkown medication. After a brief moment of spasming in place, the man known as Harry bowed, and retreated to the shadows, running with the same Naruto method as before.

"God I love that man." Jonathan Jam said pridefully as he watched his companion leave. With eyes lingering on the man for a few moments too long to be simply out of respect, Jonathan Jam continued on. K-nuckles followed behind at a quick pace, not wanting to be left alone with the man known as Harry. 

"That over there is Sora." Jonathan Jam stated, this time pointing over to a set of chairs where a young Asian man sat, looking at his mobile phone. The man looked up, gave a curt nod, and continued his phone browsing. K-nuckles did not know why, but with that short exchange he felt true fear.

Jonathan Jam eventually stopped in front of a large set of double doors, titled 'Medical'. "Now, if you wanna fight alongside us against Kira, we need to make sure that the little stunt you pulled with that reality-hop didn't harm your body in any way." WIth a flourish, Jonathan Jam grabbed the doors in front of him and simply ripped them off their hinges, before gently placing them down propped up against the wall. Looking in, K-nuckles saw what was clearly a medical bay: White and glistening, obviously very well cared for. Jonathan Jam Sparta kicked K-nuckles into the room, before simply grabbing both ends of the now empty doorframe and somehow forcing them closed, removing the door entirely and forming a new wall. 

K-nuckles slowly dragged himself back up to his feet, his back screaming in protest at the rampant kicking he had just recieved. A voice interrupted his brief thoughts of revenge.

"Ah yes, the Doctor will see you now." 

K-nuckles turned, having only enough time to briefly glimpse a larger-than-life ginger affro pouncing upon him.

Then everything went dark.


	5. The Check-up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-Nuckles comes face-to-face with the Doctor himself: Andy Pandy.

K-nuckles was floating. At least, that's what it felt like to his muscly senses. Slowly, he opened his eyes and was almost blinded by the vibrant ginger colour that assaulted his senses. Yelling out in pain, K-nuckles tried to shield his eyes with his meat-shovelling-hands, but quickly found himself unable. Pulling at the muscles in his arms, K-nuckles quickly realized he was being held aloft by something grasping each of his limbs. Risking another peek, K-nuckles braced himself against the ginger cascade of colour and saw thick tendrils of ginger hair holding him stiff in the air. They were incredibly gentle, but firm, and after a few moments of struggling, K-nuckles quickly found himself unable to escape.

"I must apologize for the restraints." a voice echoed throughout the maze of hair. "Some patients find the check-up.... Unnerving." The voice practically drooled the last word, tasting it carefully and lovingly before releasing it to the winds. K-nuckles let out a deep breath he did not know he had been holding. If he was to be killed, this entity would have done so already. K-nuckles was quick to realize however, that perhaps death would have been the better option...

"Try to hold still please." The voice continued. "Resisting simply prolongs the inevitable." K-nuckles thought for a long moment, Jonathan Jam sent him in here for a reason, the Doctor was it? After a few moments of silence, K-nuckles relaxed his mighty form and let the tendrils of hair sway him to and fro. 

"Good." The voice purred into his ear. K-nuckles, frightened by the sudden rush of hot wet air in his ear, opened up his eyes in alarm. Standing before him was a human in peak physical condition. Muscles that put even K-nuckles to shame, each individual piece that made up this man was at its' absolute evolutionary peak. The figure wore a pair of denim jeans, Levi's K-nuckles guessed, and a far too small lab coat, barely covering any of the perfection incarnate. A stethoscope hung lazily around the figures neck, and a pair of dinty glasses balanced delicately on his knows. If K-nuckles was not shocked breathless by this point, what he saw next surely made sure of it. Atop this mans head was the very same hair that was restraining K-nuckles flowing up into the infinite mass that surrounded them both. This hair was endless, constanly writhing and moving in incomprehensible patterns. This hair, this world of Ginger goodness , was him.

"Ah, so you've finally noticed." The perfect man stood above K-nuckles, hand gliding over his meagre form. With this simple gesture, K-nuckles felt this man's presence seeping into him, intricitly mapping out every part of his body and gaining absolute knowledge of every ailment that it would ever suffer from. K-nuckles gasped aloud, his hot breath mixing into the musk of the hair around him. 

As suddenly as it began, the feeling was gone and K-nuckles opened his eyes. The perfect man stood, holding his chin, analyzing his subject. The intense stare was slowly becoming too much, a slow moan escaping from K-nuckles dry lips, before he shouted suddenly "Frankie! Bring me my reflex hammer."

Still on his phone, the man known as Frankie opened a door within the endless hair mass. Wandering in, hammer in hand, he halfheartedly chucked it towards the Doctor. Eyes not once lifting from his phone, he turned out the very same hair door and closed it behind him. K-nuckles' entire body relaxed upon seeing that young man leave. Whatever hell this place could be, it was *NOTHING* compared to what he was capable of.

K-nuckles was just about to ask about whether that young man who left was also a god, before being interrupted by the reflex hammer sofly touching his nose, accompanied by an audible "Boop!" from the Perfect man. Stunned, K-nuckles could only lie there, open mouthed, as the man continued:

"Yes yes, you are in perfect health. You may go now." The perfect man waved his hand over K-nuckles, and in an instant, he found himself lying on his back just outside of the medical room he had been thrown into by Jonathan Jam. No door remained.

K-nuckles groggily got to his feet, limbs all feeling much heavier than before, before he noticed a small post-it-note stapled hard to his chest. With a wince, he removed it, and using all of his focus and training read aloud: 

"Approved: Andy Pandy, Medical Professional."


	6. The Streamer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles and Harry make their dangerous journey to the Conference room.

K-nuckles tossed the post-it-note-with-a-staple aside as he looked around for Jonathan Jam, he was not sure how long he had been in getting his ‘medical’, but it could not have been more than 10 or 15 minutes.

“So, you survived the checkup, eh?” 

K-nuckles turned on his heel, surprised, and saw the young Harry standing before him, laptop held underarm as if a handbag. “Don’t worry, the boss isn’t far. We’re having a final meeting to plan out our attack on Kira, err, I mean, John. If you’d follow-“ Harry began to spasm, laptop crashing hard to the ground and skittering away with surprising force. Harry’s eyes began to bulge out of their sockets, veins popping to the surface angrily. K-nuckles took a step forward, looking to aid his ally in some way, but Harry raised an arm as his other grabbed his own throat, desperately trying to choke out the sound that was pushing to escape. K-nuckles could not hear it quite so well but could have sworn it was a ‘Ree.’

Harry began to punch himself in the stomach, other hand choking harder than ever before. The sound was threatening to escape his grasp at any second, sweat pouring off of him as he fought his inner battle. K-nuckles got the feeling that even if he came out on top, there would be no winners here. After what felt like an age, Harry’s rampant flailing and self-punching and choking subsided, and he breathed heavily for several minutes, nothing but his choking gasps to fill the air. 

“I’m…. Sorry you had to see that.” Harry eventually managed to force out between coughs. “I’ve not been taking my medication… I need to be at my strongest in order to help in the battle with Kira.” After several more desperate breaths, Harry breathed in hard and slowly let the air escape through his manly nostrils. “Best we keep this between us, eh old bean?”

It was simply a suggestion, but K-nuckles felt something off here, his entire body screaming of danger. There was something about that smile that Harry was offering, a small cheeky smile what screamed ‘I could destroy you utterly if you don’t do as I say.’ K-nuckles swallowed hard, sweat forming on his brow and simply nodded. What was this resistance made up of, if not monsters?

“Excellent!” Harry screamed, arms up in the air, coming over to K-nuckles and slapping him on the back. K-nuckles could hear him singing a short tune along the lines of ‘da daaa da da daaaaa!’ as he scooped up his now ruined laptop. Harry turned to K-nuckles and gestured to him to follow, as he skipped merrily down the long concrete corridors. Following close behind, K-nuckles was apprehensive. So far he had only seen rampant chaos within this Resistance, but perhaps this was what was needed in order to combat the Kira.

“Now, uh, we need to pass through here to get to the Conference Room.” Harry stuttered as he came up to a lone wooden door. The words ‘Twitch Stream’ were taped on a piece of paper that hung lazily by one corner, but the words were written with such care that they may well have been worked on by a scribe. “Try not to let what you see scare you too much.” Harry whispered as he gently knocked on the door and motioned for K-nuckles to follow. 

Slowly, K-nuckles followed behind Harry as he led him through a dark room. A hot musky smell permeated the very air they breathed, it was sickly yet sweet at the same time. K-nuckles could not quite place it, but the smell was familiar. It reminded him of his long sashing hours playing Sonic Super Robo Kart 2 with Tails, before Sonic took his knees as reprimand for beating him at Smash Brothers. Peering ahead of Harry, K-nuckles could see a large amount of empty and half empty G-Fuel tubs scattered around haphazardly. The powder itself thickly coated every square inch of the living space, and ahead, K-nuckles could see the familiar glow of PC Monitors, and a rampant voice screeching about what K-nuckles could only assume were a number of ‘Gamer’ terms. 

“SHOOOOOOOOOOOORT!” Came the first call. It was primal with rage, fuelled by nothing but pure unadulterated anger. As they continued their slow crawl forward, K-nuckles could hear the laboured breathing, and then saw a figure, drenched in sweat, sitting in front of a green screen and holding his head in his hands. After a few short moments, the figure breathed in hard and began to speak rapidly: “Hey guys! Welcome to my fine stream. My name is Stew, and I will be your host for this evening. I see we only have the one viewer still, after several months, but that’s ok! Me and you buddy? We’re gonna do great!”

This man known as ‘Stew’ was hurting, and K-nuckles could hear it in his voice. K-nuckles could not help but gasp in shock as he grabbed a fistful of G-Fuel powder and began to angrily chomp down on it, choking at times as he did so. A loud ‘Ding!’ noise was heard, and the man known as Stew rose from his powdery feast:

“Fifteen Pounds STIRLING!?” Stew screeched. “Thank you sooooooooooo much kuwaaai! You know, you’re the only person that has ever donated ‘SwagMaster200’, but my god you are loyal. I’ll remember you when I make it big, WIIIINKEY FACE! Speaking of which!” Stew then immediately got up, G-Fuel dust pouring off of him like a second skin. His pure blonde hair shone within the darkness of the room and he wandered over to a number of large vats. Each was filled with what K-nuckles could see were different colours, ranging from red and yellow, to blue and purple etc.

Stew stood there for a few long moments before going over to the blue vat and dunking his entire head under. The screams could be heard from even where K-nuckles stood, large angry bubbles frothed from where his head had went under the dye filled vat, and after what felt like too long to be considered safe, the red faced and blue-haired stew rose from the vat, eyes streaming with tears. The man walked back, slowly, and solemnly, over to his Gaming Chair™ and sat silently for a long time. Silent weeping came from the figure before he continued “SO GUYS! Got a new style that helps me stand out hehe winky face! Soon you’ll be seeing me on the front paaage!”

K-nuckles could hear Stew choke on the last word, but at long last he and Harry had made it to the exit door. K-nuckles could see Harry look back and begin to say something but thought better of it. Harry simply looked down sadly and finally opened the door, beckoning K-nuckles to follow. 

As they left the musk of the room behind, Harry could not help but let out a large drawn out sigh. “Man, I hate it in there. It’s just so……”  
“Sad.” K-nuckles interjected, and Harry simply looked at him and nodded slowly. “Anyway.” Harry continued after a moments silence, “The Conference room is just up ahead, come on.”


	7. The conference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles and Harry arrive at the conference room, and find an uncomfortable reality awaiting them.

Harry and K-nuckles came upon a large set of steel doors, handles made of chains. Harry let out a bright smile and mumbled “Caaaatttyyy!” before opening them outward with a single swipe, and entering with a spring in his step. Before making it a few steps in, Harry spun on his heel, rotating in place an impressive seven times before stopping and looking at K-nuckles: “Come on in you big piece of meaty goodness, the meeting’s in here.”

K-nuckles followed in after Harry, sweat dripping from his mighty muscles onto the cold concrete below. Looking in, K-nuckles saw Harry skip along the top of the table, kicking and sweeping plates and cups in all directions, shattering them. Only when he came to the head of the table, alongside Jonathan Jam, did he finally relax and sit down next to him, holding his hand. Jonathan Jam gave him a questioning look, and Harry coughed uncomfortably, removing his hand from Jonnys and looking down sheepishly.

“K-nuckles, finally. I hope your checkup went well?” Jonathan Jam asked. He sat at the head of the table, a large leather chair beneath his buttocks. To his left, Harry was fidgeting with a fidget spinner, gleeful in joy in a standard plastic chair. The table they sat at was long and plastic, taking up the majority of the room. There were no windows, so the only light that graced this place were cheap ASDA’s own branded that were hanging lazily from the ceiling, casting an almost sickly yellow hue to the environment. Mr Aiden Pearce was standing behind Jonathan Jam to his left, leaning against the wall like a cool cat, balaclava still covering the lower half of his face. The remainder of the heads of the resistance sat down opposite ends of the table. Drake and Josh sat together, with the Heavy from TF2 by their side. Sora sat across from them, still on his phone, sighing intermittently. Solid Snake could be seen peering out of a cardboard box in the corner, his large nose sniffing out for intruders amongst their ranks. A thing tendril of ginger hair sat alone in a plastic chair, clearly an extension of the Andy Pandy Doctors’ consciousness. 

K-nuckles swallowed hard, and stepped into the room. An empty chair resided beside the one with the ginger hair so he sat down there, shifting his weight around uncomfortably. All eyes were on him, bar Sora’s. K-nuckles could not help but fidget in his seat, uncomfortable with the attention. What was it Mr Aiden Pearce said to him when they first met? Calling him the messiah?

“Now that we’re all here…” Mr Aiden Pearce began, stepping off from the wall and taking a standing position beside Jonathan Jam. “As you are all aware, we sent our local Resistance Bard to Kira’s lair in an attempt to sway him with the joys of music, in this case, Wonderwall. Unfortunately…” Mr Aiden Pearce clicked his smartphone with an audible tap, and a monitor sprung to life on the other side of the room. After displaying nothing but static for a few moments, the picture seemed to settle and what appeared to be a CCTV feed outside of 10 Downing Street. On the recording, a young and stumpish man with an acoustic guitar slung over his shoulder swaggered up to the front door of the imposing building. K-nuckles immediately clocked his vibrant ginger hair, though this paled in comparison to that of the Doctor he had met earlier. After a brief moment, Kira itself had answered the door. The bard immediately gave an extravagant bow, and before any words could be shared, began to sing Wonderwall. 

K-nuckles had heard better, but it was a valiant attempt. The one known as Kira simply stood there, bug-eyed and starting. Emotion was alien to this man, that much was clear to K-nuckles. After an uncomfortable amount of time, the bard finished with a mighty riff and stood before Kira, sweating profusely. Kira/John looked at the bard, head cocked like a dog watching something curiously. After what felt like forever, Kira smirked and gave a curt nod. From behind him, a figure wearing a leather trench coat, longsword sheathed at his hip taking up far too much room, strode forward and pressed his palm against the bards’ head. Words were exchanged briefly, and the mysterious figure flicked his fingers, and the bard was simply deleted from existence. The body was flung backwards with such force that it went through a solid portion of the city, dust clouds rising high into the sky and blocking out the sun. The only thing that was left was a ginger beard, marking the place where the bard had met his end. 

Kira looked up, watching the dust of destruction slowly fall back to the land, before turning around and returning inside. The mysterious figure stood there a moment longer, looking at the majesty he had created, before looking directly into the camera. Shocks and cries escaped all of the resistance, bar Sora, and the figure simply cocked his head, the image returning to static. 

Swallowing hard, Mr Aiden Pearce continued: “… As you can see, Kira has enlisted the aid of Ian.” A cold fear swept across the room upon the uttering of these words. Drake, still looking emotionally destroyed next to Josh, somehow looked even more broken upon hearing those few words. The Heavy from Team Fortess 2 grabbed his shining bald head in his hands and exclaimed “OOOOOH DIS IS BAD!” Harry looked down at his fists, forming a fist angrily and gripping with such force that it was audible. The ginger hair strand swayed gently in the breeze, the most it had moved since the meeting began. Solid Snakes box was now missing, the man clearly scampering around the outskirts of the room, in tight little circles. Sora remained neutral, still looking at his smartphone.

Jonathan Jam slowly stood up from his chair, the noise of it being almost deafening in the cold silence. Looking to Harry for what K-nuckles felt was emotional support, he licked his lips and drooled: “It was our mistake thinking this was impossible. That these two natural forces of destruction would one day annihilate each other. The impossible has happened, and they now work in tandem. For what? We don’t yet know. What we do know is that we lost our bard, and we will need to hire a new one from the Teamspeak server.”

K-nuckles was slightly shocked at how quickly they had glossed over the fact that their mighty ginger bard had fallen so easily. But even he could feel the fear and trepidation that had swept over the group. Even Jonathan Jam had gone silent, simply standing there, motionless and sniffling loudly. K-nuckles could not help but curse the mighty Eggman for sending him here. What was he meant to do? This was clearly a battle that could not be won. K-nuckles felt that rage within him once again began to build. He was angry. K-nuckles slammed his mighty meaty fists down on the table, shattering the entire piece of furniture in half. All faces, bar Soras’, looked up at their meaty ally.

“You goddamn autists, man the fuck up.” K-nuckles shouted. “It’s time we form a plan.”


	8. CSGO Rejects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles forms a desperate plan in an attempt to combat Kira.

The table broken in half, each of the leaders of the Resistance, bar Sora, looked to K-nuckles with a sort of newfound respect. Whilst they were cowering within their own fears and worries, K-nuckles took action and completely destroyed an inanimate object that had no way to defend itself. This was why he was sent to them; this was why he was called the Meaty Messiah. Jonathan Jam stood at the head of the table, swaying softly in place, his drool forming a thick puddle by his feet. Slowly he came to and looked at K-nuckles: 

“What do you propose then, K-nuckles? Do you think you can take on not just Kira, but also Ian, head on in open combat? It is true that you are strong, this table was of IKEA quality, but Ian was able to completely annihilate our bard with a single flick of his fingers. What do you say to that?” The words stung true in K-nuckles heart, it seemed that this Jonathan Jam was the hot and wet sticky glue that held this fractured Resistance together. Even now, looking at the shattered remains of the table, K-nuckles doubted his strength against such evils. 

No. No, K-nuckles was not sent here to join in their moping like little dumbtards. Eggman sent him here for a reason, he was sent here to give these CSGO rejects a backbone and fight back against the tyranny of Kira. Standing to his full meaty height, K-nuckles puffed out his chest and beat it with one fist, exclaiming: “What do I say Jonathan Jam? You gay.” K-nuckles stood, staring off against the leader of the Resistance. A wave of shocked gasps and chokes came from the group gathered before him, each exchanging worried glances with one another and looking to their leader not out of anticipation of how he would react, but fear.

“The fuck you say you little meat-sock?” Jonathan Jam replied, spittle spraying from his mouth in sheer anger. “You want to hit me? Go ahead and get it over with, hit me! It won’t change the fact that Kira will destroy us. With Ian at her/his call, they are truly an unstoppable force.”

K-nuckles could not help but be further angered by these words, the words of someone already admitting defeat. There were times when K-nuckles felt this same overwhelming sense of failure, when he played on DarkRP servers on Gmod. K-nuckles would try so hard to RP correctly as a good citizen, obeying the laws and commands of the CP. Sadly, he would always RDM, simply beating the cops to death with his meaty fists. Ban after ban, warning after warning, K-nuckles could not learn to keep his uncontrollable rage in check, even in a shoot-to-miss scenario. K-nuckles met Jonathan Jam’s stare head on, anime-style lightning flashes appearing between them.

“You’re right.” K-nuckles eventually said, a thick layer of sweat covering his salted-meaty goodness and clinging to him like a second skin. The words came out hot and heavy, and it was clear that K-nuckles was forcing every muscle in his body to lock, lest he lunge and his newfound ally. “You’re right, of course I can’t take them head on. Did you see what he did to that poor bard of yours? Nothing was left bar his beard. Who even does that? Crazy shit man.” K-nuckles saw his words have a profound effect on the group, all looking down even more sadly than before, bar Sora, whom was still on his smartphone. 

“But…” K-nuckles continued: “I have seen each of you first-hand now. Having been here for several chapters, I like to think I have a sound understanding of the workings of this group. It is my belief that if we all rush B together, we might have a chance.”

The words fell on the group like the cold winds from the mountains slowly fall to the lands below. Where there was at first hopelessness and loss amongst the members of the group, now there was something else: Determination. If this rag-tag group of mad lads knew anything, it was CS. Harry was the first to stand up off his chair, or perhaps it was a fit caused by the lack of medication, but he stood tall next to Jonathan Jam and firmly clasped his hand in his, sweat joining them into one. Harry stood tall, and uttered the words ‘Rush B’ as he stared into the eyes of Jonathan Jam.

Next was Josh, from the hit Nickelodeon series Drake & Josh. Josh stood tall, grabbing the unresponsive and drooling drake under the arm and dragging him also to his feet. Josh uttered strongly, proudly, the words ‘Rush B’. Drake tried to slur something out from his abused-by-Nickelodeon mouth, but the only words that escaped were ‘Coooosmooo, Waaaandaaaa’. Josh looked to him as if a proud parent, he too knew the true meaning behind those words: Rush B.

Heavy from Team Fortress 2 was the next to stand, Solid Snake clambering up his back and sitting atop his shoulders like an infant. Together they looked so tall and strong, and with Snake slowly and seductively stroking circle-patterns into the Heavies bald prismatic head, they both uttered the words ‘Rush-B’.

Sora stood afterwards, eyes not leaving his phone he gave a nonchalant shrug that said “Eh, I suppose.” The thin tendril of ginger hair snaked its way up across K-nuckles sweet and sweaty body to park itself on his shoulder by his ear. There was no sound, but K-nuckles could swear he heard a ‘Rush B’ whispered somewhere within his mind. Mr Aiden Pearce was the next to regain some of his lost steel. With long trench coat flapping wildly in the windless room, as its’ physics were tied to frame-rate, he too proudly said the words ‘Rush B’.

All eyes were now on Jonathan Jam. Still he stood there motionless, sniffling every few seconds. Harry was looking into his leader’s eyes with an almost pleading quality, begging his leader to say something, anything at all. Slowly, the lost steel slowly returned to the Leader of the Resistance’s eyes, and a newfound strength seeped into his voice as he uttered the words:

“Rush B.”


	9. To War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles and his meaty allies go to war with Kira and Ian.

K-nuckles swallowed hard, fear creeping into his mind despite his best efforts. The meaty muscles which held his figure strongly above his peers were trembling slightly, betraying the confidence that he had shown from his speech before. His tongue rolled lazily around his dry mouth, attempting to return some moisture to them, it felt like the sandpaper Sonic once used on his eyelids after he caught K-nuckles looking at Amy Rose when she was dabbing after a Fortnite victory. K-nuckles still cried at the thought of what Sonic did to her, the poor girl.

Jonathan Jam came up behind K-nuckles and gave his left meaty ass cheek a cheeky pinch. K-nuckles showed no surprise at this happening, as he had heard Jonathan Jam sputtering and sniffling away as he attempted to sneak up on his ally. ‘You really put on a show back there, even got me thinking it was possible.’ Jonathan Jam spluttered to K-nuckles, eyes kind but tired with the stresses of leadership. ‘But honestly?’ he asked, ‘I don’t know how this is going to go. We’ve got fighters and tacticians aplenty, but those things? Kira and Ian? They don’t adhere to natural laws. We have no idea what we are walking into.’

Harry slipped his sweaty hands into Jonathan Jams, intertwined he gripped hard and looked into the speccy eyes of his dear leader. ‘If K-nuckles thinks we have a chance, we have to try. I’ve known him for a solid 6 or so chapters, so I think he knows what he is talking about.’ Jonathan Jam simply sighed and tore his hand away from Harry, mumbling about him being a “bundle of sticks” and skulking off to play what may be his last game of TFT. Harry looked after him longingly for a moment, and K-nuckles thought he saw something more than mere respect in his eyes. K-nuckles wanted to hit him, hard.

Before K-nuckles could say anything, Harry let out an excited squeal in spun in place, running in the spot as if a child charging up his spin dash. ‘They’re all here K-nuckles! Look at our mighty resistance!’ K-nuckles looked over at the rag-tag group of people he had been sent to help, each of them checking their clothing and weapons for last minute spots of improvement. Mr Aiden Pearce stood to the side, trying his hardest to look mysterious as fuck. A holster hung from his belt, and K-nuckles could see his smartphone residing there. A baton also hung lazily from his hands, his eyes looking upwards but not really seeing anything, completely at a loss in his own world. 

The Heavy from TF2 was in his idle animation, standing proud yet motionless. A gargantuan gatling gun was held tenderly in his arms, apparently decorated with a good many years’ worth of wear and tear. The Heavy held it, as if a child. Caressed close to him, K-nuckles could swear he saw the Heavy attempt to force the gatling gun to suckle from his voluptuous man-breasts, before returning to his idle animation. 

Drake and Josh were also preparing, Josh holding what looked like a spherical object with a good amount of weight behind it, more than enough to crush a man’s skull, K-nuckles guessed. On the side of this object were the words “Game-Sphere” in full block capitals, a stark dark against the pink of the console. Drake however, held nothing. Simply swaying back and forth, he drooled and twitched involuntarily every now and then. The only thing that appeared different to him, K-nuckles noticed, was a far-too-small pink hat resting lazily atop his head. Josh looked at Drake, and K-nuckles thought he was going to vomit, but with eyes heavy with tears, he simply held Drake for a long moment, before going back to polishing his Game-Sphere. 

Solid Snake sat in a cardboard box making speedboat noises, tongue going rampant in the wind. Spittle spewed from his manly mouth, and he attempted to do some CQC within the box that he sat. This of course, destroyed the box entirely, and K-nuckles saw the man start rolling in place angrily, running in tight little circles and pushing his full body against the wall, knocking on it repeatedly with the “action button”. Sora stood nearby, looking disinterested as he looked at his phone, swiping occasionally. 

‘Are you ready for this?’ a voice whispered to K-nuckles. Spinning on his heel to find the source of the noise, K-nuckles was unable to locate the speaker. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be here to help you.’ Just then, K-nuckles felt something stir on his shoulder, and a long ginger hair sat there silently, watching him. K-nuckles simply gave a curt not, and the thin tendril of hair crawled its way up to his ear, and rammed itself inside. K-nuckles knew better than to fight back against this, but it became too much, and he let out a cry of pain. This was just like the time where Sonic forced a Chao into K-nuckles ear. He idly wondered if the ginger hair would find it in there, somewhere. 

Jonathan Jam returned, clearly pissed off at losing a match of TFT K-nuckles guessed, as he strode to the front of the group with furious stomps from his little feet. All were here now, gathered in front of a large set of garage doors, light peaking in from the poor fittings to the surrounding walls. Jonathan Jam, after a brief moment of what appeared to be fighting back a ree, turned to his peers and forced himself to speak calmly: ‘Fucking Master Yi….’ He said at first, before quickly regaining his composure and continuing through a drool: ‘This is it fucktards. I don’t know if we are going to survive to see the latest chapter of My Hero Academia animated, but fuck me if I’m not gonna try.’ Harry again tried to hold his hand, but a simple backhand was enough to keep him at bay for now.

Rubbing his hand angrily, Jonathan Jam continued: ‘Our great bard was the first to fall, and I don’t know if he will be the last. But what I do know is this: Kira must be stopped. If such a creature can work in tandem with that of Ian, then there truly is no hope for not just safety from catfishing, but humanity itself. It’s up to us now, we are all that stands between him and total anal destruction.’ As they moved to the large set of doors in front of them, Jonathan Jam grabbed K-nuckles arm and whispered in his hear. ‘Your Doctor better be right about this, otherwise it won’t just be Kira who dominates you, I will too.’ 

And with those mighty words, the Resistance went to war.


	10. Kira

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The resistance finally begin their assault on 10 Downing Street

The streets were quiet.

That was the first thought that hit K-nuckles as he stalked ahead with his fellow Resistance members. The heavy blanket of silence was only marred by the occassional scuffle of feet on the ground as they made their slow advance towards 10 Downing Street. They had been sneaking forward for some time, all on edge with even the slightest disturbance in the silence causing Jonathan Jam to hold up a raised fist, ordering everyone to stand still and listen out for danger. The destruction from the death of the bard was vast, a constant reminder of what they were about to face.

Harry meanwhile was skipping along, albeit stealthily, not making a sound as he jaunted his merry way across the cobblestones. K-nuckles noticed, however, that his skip did not exude the same vibrant energy as it did before, but was now far more subdued, as if prey hiding from a predator. Jonathan Jam was huddling forward in a semi-crouched position, akin to a slow Roadie-Run from Gears of War. Sniffles and chokes escaped his lips as he made his way forward, but K-nuckles had to admit that the level of stealth he was showing was respectable. Sora meanwhile walked at a normal pace, looking at his smartphone and making no attempt to disguise his advance.

‘Gaaah, all dis sneaking is making Heavy hungry!’ The Heavy from Team fortress 2 exclaimed, obviously angered by how slow their progress was. K-nuckles watched as he began to nom Sandviches, Snake crawling between his legs in a prone position as he did so. Josh was stealthily walking forward, slightly crouched, with his Game-Sphere undearm. In his other hand was a leash, the end attached to the neck of Drake, still drooling and dragging his feet as he was forced forward by his very handsome Step-Brother. K-nuckles noticed his Nickelodeon shirt was stained red with blood, evidence of the mighty nose-bleed from which Drake was now suffering. 

Mr Aiden Pearce came up to K-nuckles side, speaking in a low voice. ‘This isn’t right.’ He rasped with his raspy voice of raspness. ‘Reports showed these streets crawling with Kiras underlings, we should have at least encountered a CP Half-Life 2 RP squad by now….’ K-nuckles noticed the tension in his voice, fear slowly ebbing into his own meaty muscles as the quiet began to grow to uncomfortable levels. 

It was then a voice boomed through the air. A voice that seeped into the very mind of K-nuckles, every word calculated, devised to see into him. They touched upon his psyche in ways no professional could, the simple act of speaking making K-nuckles wonder…. Just how did he feel? Everyone was now frozen in place, sweat pouring off of them, apart from Sora, still on his phone. 

‘So, you’ve finally crawled out of that hole you have called “home” for the past few months…. Tell me, how does that make you feel?’ K-nuckles could not help but fall to his knees, his meaty kneecaps making a resounding “CRACK” as they hit the concrete below, shattering it. A gasp escaped his lips, lungs screaming for air but unable to even take in the smallest of breaths. Was this the power of the creature they faced? Was this what it was to embrace a God?

‘Fools. To think any of you had the power to stand against my RP potential. Not only have I RP’d as Kira for many years now, but I also RP as PM of the country. Tell me again…. How does that make you feel?’ K-nuckles looked around desperately to evaluate the condition of his allies, all bar Sora were on their knees, trying to stand back up. A collective pool of sweat had formed from them, a strong sniffling sound the only thing to join the crushing sound of Kira. As K-nuckles very bones began to bend under this incredible pressure, the Ginger hair of Andy Pandy crawled out of his ear lobe and shouted ‘I too am a medical professional, and I say rise!’

As soon as the words from the mighty hair had reached their minds, the weight had lifted somewhat. It was still there, as if a lump of lead now resided where K-nuckles heart had once been, but it was bearable now. K-nuckles patted the hair on what he presumed was its’ butt, and it happily crawled back into his ear canal. The rest of the Resistance members began to slowly rise also, heavy moans filling the air. The mere speech of Kira was enough to floor each of them, how much hope did they really have?

‘*John McGinness “HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH” noise*. I did not expect the Andy Pandy to reveal himself. Interesting.’ The voice continued to boom. ‘Very well. We might as well make this interesting, I will bring Downing Street to you.’ As Kira’s message lingered in K-nuckles mind, he looked up in time to see a blinding spear of pure light strike down from the heavens a mere 100 or so feet in front of them. The ground trembled as the light struck the ground, and K-nuckles saw the impossible: 10 Downing Street screamed through the air like a rocket and imbedded itself into the ground where the light had just struck. The devastation was incalculable, if it were not for Solid Snake pulling out an oversized cardboard box, and covering the Resistance with it, they would have simply been lost in the destruction. 

Once the dust had settled, a large crater with Downing Street in the middle was all that remained. London, or whatever the Resistance members had once called it, simply ceased to exist. The members of the Resistance however surprised K-nuckles, each quickly jumping to action, clear that it was only due to the adrenaline pumping through their veins that they were even capable of standing at this point. All bar Sora, who still flicked through his Smartphone, occasionally shifting his feet. 

K-nuckles fixed his eyes on the door leading to the building, the 10 now hanging lazily from a single nail. As the tension began to reach it’s peak, the door slowly began to open, cool air flowing outwards, banishing the dust that threatened to enter. In front, K-nuckles could see it. Kira. It strode forward with purpose, as if every action had already been pre-calculated and he knew exactly how it made him feel. A leash was in his hand, simple and made of leather. K-nuckles could see behind Kira that it led to the neck of a very elderly human, easily far into his late 80s, with a thick grey beard and shallow, sunken eyes. 

Jonathan Jam cursed under his breath. ‘Where is Ian?’ K-nuckles heard him say to Harry, though his partner in love and crime simply maintained his battle stance, not taking his eyes of their fated foe. Kira strode towards them leisurely, stopping a fair distance away. The elderly gentleman behind followed obediently, stopping short and almost falling over himself when his master halted their advance. K-nuckles could see tears in his eyes. Kira was shorter than K-nuckles expected, but the power radiating from him was clear. A heat-wave effect rippled through the air around him, as if he was even RPing the very course of nature. 

Kira gave a short tug of the leash, the elderly man stumbling forward and almost falling over. ‘I think it’s time I let you off your leash, eh big guy?’ Kira was saying to the man, stroking his bald head as if a dog. ‘You know why I kept you alive, don’t you? I kept you alive for this.’ He said, gesturing to the Resistance. ‘Prove to me now that I wasn’t wrong in saying you were the best actor in the world. Prove to me that you really are a dragon.’ With that, Kira tore the collar off in one swift motion and kicked the old man toward the group, even from here K-nuckles could hear pained whimpers of “The lasht, I don’t want to be the lasht” coming from the man.

Kira simply smiled as the old man waddled over to the group, seemingly moving quicker the closer he got. ‘This here’s Sean Connery, the lasht Dragon. And the Lasht thing you will see before you die.’


	11. Sean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group meets their first obstacle sent by Kira: Sean Connery

‘You know, I granted him eternal life.’ Kira/John said softly as Sean Connery began his trudge over to the Resistance group. ‘He entertained me. Have you ever seen Logan’s Run? I once composed a famous reading of a very dramatic scene with Mr Connerys’ likeness. That was the moment I decided to spare him.’ Sean Connery was now on all fours, rapidly gaining speed towards the group. K-nuckles could feel the sweat slowly free-falling down his back, resting in-between his meaty buttocks. The creature coming towards them was clearly very old, yet capable of such speed. Something was wrong with him.

‘GAH, DIS BABY MAN IS NO MATCH FO-‘ the Heavy from TF2 began, but was quickly silenced. K-nuckles blinked, and before his mind could comprehend what he just saw, Sean Connery was no longer on all fours bounding towards the group, but was standing behind the Heavy from TF2, hand buried somewhere in his back. The Heavies eyes were wide not with pain, but with surprise. Sean Connery was crying the entire time, mumbling “I don’t want to be the lasht! Not anymore!” as he tore his hand free of the Heavy, blood pouring from the wound. ‘GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH’ the Heavy cried out as his body ragdolled to the floor, life having left his shining bald head. A Sandvich slowly fell out of his pocket, coming to rest on the floor just in front of its’ old owners’ face, never to be eaten again.

Mr Aiden Pearce was the first to recover from the shocked silence which had taken its hold over the group, sprinting up to Sean Connery and delivering a savage beatdown with his trusty baton. Sean Connery didn’t even flinch under the flurry of blows, simply backhanding Mr Aiden Pearce with such force that he flew several feet through the air, before landing hard amongst the ruins of London. Thankfully, K-nuckles noticed, he was still breathing despite such a blow. Josh was the next to launch an attack, Game-Sphere coming down hard, aimed at Sean Connerys’ head. With a hair’s length to spare, Sean Connery ducked the blow, latching onto Josh’s crotch with his jaws, akin to an alligator grabbing its’ prey, and began to violently death-roll with him in tow. K-nuckles knew he would remember the screams for eternity.

‘COOOSMOOOO, WAAAANDAAAAA!’ came a pained cry from Drake, launching himself onto Sean Connerys’ back. Drake began to stab at the Lasht Dragon with a wand he had procured as if from thin air, but this seemed to do little more than annoy Sean Connery. Releasing his prey, Sean Connery stood to his full height and began to Beyblade spin in place, such speed building that a miniature tornado had began to form, and Drake was flung from his back into his brother, both squirming painfully in their Nickelodeon meat pile.

Coming to a stop, Sean Connery simply stared downward, head bowed. Tears flowed freely from his handsome face now, pleading with the group ‘Kill me, pleash, I don’t want to be the lasht anymore.’ Harry, deeming this a challenge to his masculinity, skipped gleefully over to Sean Connery and slapped him hard across the face, shouting loudly the word “NO!” Sean took the blow, a resounding “CRACK” echoing throughout the landscape. This blow would have been enough to bring even a God to their knees, however, it was clear that John/Kiras’ powers transcended mere godhood. Sean, slowly, deliberately, slowly took his now hanging-limp head in between his hands, and snapped it back into place. Pleading, tear-filled eyes stared back at Harry as he said ‘Shorry.’ Sean then

proceeded to kick Harry in his massive fucking balls with such a level of force, all throughout the world, every male went “Oof.”

Jonathan Jam reed at seeing his secret treasure trove that were Harrys’ balls being harmed in such a way, and he began to charge. Snake was currently choke-holding then releasing the Heavies body, obviously trying to force him to drop more Sandviches, whilst Sora was still on his phone, kicking small pieces of debris intermittently. K-nuckles knew he had to act, his meaty muscles tense and ready to charge. K-nuckles quickly came to the realization that if Jonathan Jam were to fall here, then everything would have been for naught, and so he charged ahead, sweeping the crying Jonathan Jam and forcing himself ahead of him as he fell, shouting out the word “Jew” to K-nuckles. Mumbling a silent apology, K-nuckles closed his eyes and put all his strength into his wanking arm and lunged forward, delivering a meaty blow to the chin of Sean Connery.

Things went differently this time, however. K-nuckles’ entire body was frozen with anticipation, waiting for some sort of counter-attack, meaty fist still making contact with the face of the Lasht Dragon. But this counter never came, as K-nuckles slowly opened his eyes and saw that his punch had done something impossible: He had drawn blood. Sean Connery reeled back in obvious pain, going “Ow ow ow ow ow fucking ow” as he clasped his hands over his bleeding nose. K-nuckles looked down at his bloody fist, clenched hard and shaking slightly. Looking back at Sean Connery, K-nuckles realized. He was not of this world; his meatiness was capable of things here that he would not be able to comprehend back in his reality. One such feat was harming the lasht dragon.

‘So, that’s why they brought you…’ mused Kira as he saw this harm befall their pet. Sean Connery quickly recovered, hissing like a cat at K-nuckles and beginning to shake violently. ‘You’ve forced his hand it seems, interesting. It has never gotten to this point before. This will be…. Interesting.’ Kira continued as Sean began to convulse on the ground, frothing at the mouth and motorcycle running in circles on the spot. K-nuckles barely had enough time to jump back as a bolt of light struck downwards from the sky, hitting Sean Connery and flashing a blinding light. Vision returning, K-nuckles could scarcely believe what he saw.

Sean Connery now stood tall, the body of a dragon. His still-human face rested at the end of a long dragon-neck, smoke flowing freely from his nostrils. ‘I told you….’ Sean Connery said silently, in-between sobs and tears: ‘I am the Lasht Dragon’


	12. The Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-nuckles battles with the lasht Dragon.

The human face of Sean Connery betrayed no emotion. The long serpentine neck swayed gently to and fro. Strong muscles freely moved under the skin, large claws dug into the concrete with wings stretching up skyward, blocking out the sun. K-nuckles felt not fear at seeing such a sight, but simple awe at such a majestic creature standing before him.

‘The lasht… I am the lasht.’ Sean Connery continued, smoke tendrils snaking out of his nostrils as tears returned to his eyes. K-nuckles could clearly see the pain in his all-too-human eyes, staring into K-nuckles’ very soul. Clenching his fist, K-nuckles looked up at Kira, standing impassively at the door of 10 Downing Street. Bug-eyes peered out over the landscape as if bored, staring at his unnatural creation with simple curiosity, as if a creature idly watching its’ soon-to-be-prey.

Before K-nuckles could further his train of thought of the Kira, Sean Connery lashed his mighty tail towards K-nuckles’ head, seeking to separate it from his body. More from sheer instinct than skill, K-nuckles leaned backwards, the tip of the tail grazing the skin of his nose as it tore through the air overhead. Despite being such a small wound, his nose hurt. It really hurt. K-nuckles wiped the back of his fist across his nose and saw that it came away with blood. ‘Such a schmall thing.’ The mighty Sean Connery dragon spoke slowly, deliberately. ‘Such a schmall wound, and yet the pain ish everlashting. That isch how I live, you schee. Whilscht Kira granted me eternal life for his/her entertainment, they did not grant me eternal youth. My body hash been dying for millenia, yet he keepsh me here, refusing me the schweet releash of death.’ The mighty dragon was freely crying now, large teardrops falling to the ground and splashing across the dusty battlefield on which they stood.

‘Pleashe….’ The Sean Connery Dragon pleaded through sobs; ‘Kill me!’ At this moment, the creature lunged at K-nuckles, jaw unhinging to reveal an insatiable maw lined with human teeth. Seeing this, K-nuckles knew that he would not survive such a blow, and Dark Souls rolled to the side, the jaws of the creature crashing into the ground behind him. K-nuckles could still hear the muffled cries as the dragon chewed and crunched the concrete, swallowing it all. Turning on his heel, K-nuckles buried a meaty fist into the neck of the creature, the skin ripping and tearing under the force of the blow. A pained screech bellowed from the beast, Sean-Connery head thrashing wildly.

There was no time for celebration however, for as the creature recovered it turned to K-nuckles and began to make a choking/snorting sound. K-nuckles barely had time to duck behind an outcrop of rubble before flames spewed forth from the creature, completely melting the surrounding rock to a molten mush. Worried for his allies, K-nuckles desperately turned to see if any remained of them from the flames, but once again Solid Snake had covered each of them with an oversized Cardboard box, protecting them from the heat. The flames had now begun to die down, and K-nuckles rose from his hiding place. The great Sean Connery Dragon billowed its’ mighty wings, buffeting hot embers and ash into the air, transforming the surrounding environment as if a firestorm. The heat was almost unbearable, almost. K-nuckles had grown accustomed to it after Sonic locked him in the oven for daring to finish the last Chillie dog. Wiping his brow, he continued his stride to the draconic enemy.

‘Scho, you have schurvived my attack.’ Sean Connery said between deep puffs of air, whatever he had done to create such a flame had clearly taken tremendous effort. ‘Perhapsch you can grant me the schweet releashe of the void.’ The Sean Connery dragon crouched down onto its’ haunches and lunged at K-nuckles, great clawed hands seeking to crush K-nuckles underfoot. Side-stepping his bulky foe, K-nuckles again spun to deliver an uppercut to the flopping Sean Connery Dragon balls that were bouncing around freely. Hearing a satisfying crunch and a pop, K-nuckles continued to beat into the meat-sack as if a punching bag at the gym, repeatedly battering the hanging treasure which he knew Jonathan Jam longed for. The great dragon howled in pain, turning to grab K-nuckles within his jaws.

K-nuckles made no attempt to dodge the attack, simply grabbing the Sean Connery Dragon by the jaws and holding him in place. The creature thrashed and pulled angrily against his meaty grip, but was unable to break free. ‘Let’s see you get out of this one you snake-faced bastard.’ K-nuckles said as he grabbed the saggy old man dragon balls and shoved them down the throat of the creature. Choking, the Sean Connery Dragon reared its head back, balls following and stretching. By way of the gag reflex, K-nuckles could see flames start to billow in the long throat of the creature, and knew he had to run. Going at a dead sprint, K-nuckles ran toward the safety of the cardboard box that Solid Snake had created, and with mere seconds to spare, was able to slide under into the embrace of his sweaty allies. The soft glow of the smartphone screen of Sora glistened off the sweat of his allies, each tense and recovering from their wounds. K-nuckles could not help but gasp upon seeing Josh's crotch; he would never again masturbate. Jonatham Jam was busy massaging Harry's balls, tears still freely falling from his eyes. Though bulbous and purple with bruising, K-nuckles thought that they could be saved.

It was mere moments after he had made it to the box: A resounding explosion of such calibre that even the mighty protection offered by the simple Cardboard box proved unable to halt the sound of an exploding old man from balls being shoved down his throat. It was deafening, vision going pure white from the heat and light given off by the explosion which erupted from the draconic creature. The entire earth trembled underfoot, the deep death-roars of the creature rebounding through every muscle in K-nuckles body. However, throughout all the screaming and shouting, the sounds of the earth struggling to maintain itself in the face of such destruction, a voice made it through to K-nuckles. The voice, he recognized, was that of Sean Connery, and it simply said: ‘Thank you.’

After what seemed like an eternity, the ground began to stop shaking, and hearing slowly came back to the group. Tepidly, K-nuckles lifted the edge of the cardboard box, inviting in a strong gust of hot, humid air. Sensing no immediate danger, he gave Solid Snake a curt nod, where he then lifted up the box in full. What greeted them was a ashen crater, the remains of London having been bruned to cinders, thick layers of black soot covering the concrete, giving the crater they stood in an almost hellish appearance. Thick clouds of ash blocked out the sunlight, casting long dark shadows over the land. And in the middle of all of it, lay the charred skeleton not of a dragon; but a man. Sean Connery had found his peace.

‘That…. Will be expensive to replace.’ Kira stated as he/she stepped forward, brushing off a fleck of ash from their coat. K-nuckles saw something that he had not seen from Kira before, something he thought this creature incapable of.

Kira was smiling.


End file.
